D. L. Leonine (d_l_leonine) wrote,
D. L. Leonine

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10th wedding anniversary and Season 4...among other things...

This is something I've been meaning to write about for a little while now, but time always seems to elude me. Especially sense, over the past few months, I've really been trying to devote myself more to the people I care most about. Honestly, it's been hard intentionally narrowing my focus and reducing my "sphere of influence". There are many on facebook, twitter and other networks that I now rarely, if ever communicate with anymore. Yes, I know...that probably includes you, but don't take it personally. It's just something I had to do. Today, I was a bit selfish and took some time for myself (much to my wife's disappointment). Part of that time I'm using to write this and do some LONG overdue artwork. The rest of it, I am using to browse a few stores and look for some ideas for tomorrow. Tommorow will be our 10th wedding anniversary after all and I do want it to be special. Of course, my desire for a memorable and special day puts me back into the exact same trap that inspired this entry.

So, to the title of the entry...season 4. Two years ago, my Klingon friends (amazingly enough, not my furry friends), got me hooked on MLP. The early seasons were really rather silly and loaded with pop culture references (my initial reason for enjoying the show so much). This past season though, has dealt with issues that, not only are good lessons for kids, but things that even adults continue to struggle with. Things that cut deep into my own struggles. There were two episodes in particular, that I have actually lived myself (and relived in these episodes to some extent). The first should be evident to those who know me well. That was Fluttershy's inability to sing in public (Filly Vanili). Knowing that struggle personally, I can tell you that what they showed in that episode was a very accurate depiction of how I felt (and still feel) when I am on stage. This fear was so strong for me, that I couldn't even overcome it from behind the mask (in fursuit). I am still so grateful to Keela, Andy and the others who run Klingon Karaoke for providing the sort of environment that allowed me to ultimately take a few steps forward and realize some success. And just like her at the end of the episode, I still have not achieved complete confidence in performing, but I continue to make progress.

The other episode aired just this past weekend (Equestria Games) and just like the one mentioned above, I have lived it (and still do l ive it). Just like Spike, I suffer constantly with the feeling that I'm never good enough for anyone else. Every time I attempt to do something for someone and get a response like "well, that was great, but..." all I hear is the but. This is something that I've been working on seriously for a few months now, it's just a bit strange when secular sources confirm spiritual revelations. I feel like everything I do falls short of other people's expectations and that I constantly let down all the people in my life. I almost never see the good that comes from what I contribute, weather it's at home, work or otherwise. And much like the other episode, the answer is just as true. The reality is that all of the shame and disappointment comes from within. Which brings me back to tomorrow. I have stressed over this day for over a month now. Having very limited finances and knowing that we can't have what most people think of for a milestone anniversary (ex: Cruse, trip to Hawaii, ect). I have thought of something that should be good, but once again, I'm stuck with the fear of 'letting her down'. What has to be remembered though, is that the root of the fear is not letting her down, but letting myself down. My perfectionist nature must take a back seat to the knowledge that I've made the best decision and will move forward with it.

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